Dark Confession

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It has been an exhausting and a tiring month for me. I have been on roll doing my final year project and the stress is getting on my nerve, I almost give up. Actually, I do give up. I slept for days and get back on track. The cycle rotates. I hate the fact that I can’t fix some coding. It makes me question my entire life why do I have to do this. I am barely surviving degree. The coding world doesn’t seem right for me hul. I am being super sensitive lately and I don’t like it too. This is a long list confession of mine. Think whatever you want because they are just merely my opinion.

  1. Expectation kills. Big dreams kill you.
  2. Some other people just really think, a backup plan does really exist? Sorry, sure it is not me your backup plan. This type of people is really hopeless. They must really think life is easy? If you want something, work hard for it.
  3. Some people really like to compare themselves with others. If we are going to live like this, please don’t ask others later on, why there is so much emptiness, so much sadness.
  4. Stop making excuses for yourselves. You can’t grow up like that. You just don’t grow up. at all.
  5. Stop making things so forced.
  6. There are people, listing 1001 reasons on why others can make it, instead of why they themselves can make it. Stop it. If they can, why can’t you?
  7. Everyone has their own silent battle, a chapter that they don’t say it loud. Respect that.
  8. If you want to help people, just help them. Why are you helping when all you do is bragging later on? Why people why?
  9. Don’t underestimate the others and don’t overestimate yourselves. Be modest.
  10. Some people really don’t get it, and the other some people just can’t get (over) it.
  11. You do whatever it is within your capabilities, for you own satisfaction. So, it is (will be) the reason why you should hold it on. Not because of others are doing it. Not because of it is the trend. You know yourselves better, why lie?
  12. Sure everyone has their own eyes and mouth. They see and they talk too. Keep everything that is bad to yourselves. Sure everyone can see it themselves. So stop badmouthing other people. Stop running around unfounded rumors. Do you really have that much time? to do such things, guys?
  13. So many us, wanting a good life. A good partner. A good result. Ask our own self, honestly are we deserving enough? We can’t portray a good life, with us running around and joking about others’ flaws. We can’t have a good partner if we ourselves don’t have any effort on becoming a better person. Let’s think and do something about it.
  14. Stop making the unfounded assumption.
  15. Stop play victim? We need to accept and start checking on ourselves if things/people always go against us. I mean, there must be a reason. It might be something is wrong with us! Not them.
  16. Be yourself.
  17. Of course, the good character that matters the most, the others will just be faded in time. Choose your future.

 

Depression is real. Bye.

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705 : A letter for you

It is 5th of July today. I’m sure you have inspired a lot of people out there throughout 23 years of your life. It gonna be a big lie if I say only myself did think so because having my life always so close to you, I swear I only gossiped and heard good kinds of stuff about you. (how possible this is actually?)

I don’t know if every younger sister out there also feel the same way towards their older sister like I do towards you, but I find myself adoring you since my childhood days. Back then, I always said to myself

“I should study hard, I want to be cool like Angah too” 

“I want to get straight As..”

“I wanna be a foundation student too…”

Little did she know, that every single thing she did become my goal and I kept on wanting whatever her achievements were, as the goal not knowing what I myself truly want. Just how much she means to childhood days of mine that I idolized herself a lot.

She was an inspiration.

Growing up together from the first day of school (preschooler) until the primary school days were all about her I told you. I was so surprised when the first time I experienced this: she taught the other preschoolers and I (I was 5 and she was 6 yo) that ABCDEFG… with a rotan guys at the front of the class with white board things. She was so determined and her voice was so clear I told you that I couldn’t believe she is my sister. I mean, she is my tarik-rambut and WWE partner, guys. After that, I knew that she would be the only one to replace Cikgu Shima when Cikgu Shima went out for a while. The surprise feeling became no more surprise, little me went all ‘AAAAAA, BBBBBB, CCCCCC’ all loud at the back of the class and went around boasting, hey…look at yah you know that’s my sister over thousandth time every time she was teaching. So annoying plus so extra me, I told you. The other some day, I went all silent, I was playing a doll and she was teaching at the front. So opposite of us. I knew she didn’t notice me cause if I let she found out, I’d literally…..

She was always the most stand out person in whatever she did. She was the face, center, leader, voice and even a state’s conductor for Perlis choir’s team. Meanwhile, I always went WOW that’s my sister all the time. I also joined whatever she joined because of how curious I was and ofc I knew that every spot she has been chosen as wasn’t an easy task at all. How can she be my biological sister? (read: grateful sister here)

She is an inspiration.

She came to Malacca, visiting me when she was UM’s undergraduate. She met my friends. She slept on my hostel just to feed her curiosity on how’s my life there. I don’ told her this but deep inside my heart, I knew she worried a lot. She was so friendly with my friends, they even liked her more than they liked me. (rakan-rakan ku is sooo tak bersyukur LOL) She came about 2 days (weekend) but it seems my friends were all praising her. Even until now, they keep asked her news. Not that I’m jealous or what, but I knew this would happen. Wherever she goes, people just like her. She is everyone fav!

Today, she already in somewhere, will be experiencing new things, she is the first to work among us three! I was so excited that only my roommate in Malacca knew how much I  want her to pass that scary interview phase. Alhamdulillah, I hope she copes well there! I know she will but still..I am wishing her the best, ANGAH.

I hope you have the happiest birthday ever. I hope you know that I’m very thankful and sorry for everything. I am writing this not because of your birthday. I am writing this, hoping that if you read this when you are so upset or down one day, (I know you won’t tell us till it is solved), know that almost everyone I grew up with, who know you, never once talk bad about you, how they wanna become like you as much as I do, I mean how great you have been and always be the great version of you. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t let anyone make you forget how far you have come and how precious you are to us!

 I found this word somewhere on FB. I really like this quote that somehow reminds me of you:

You cannot blend in when you are born to stand out!

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HAPPY 23th BIRTHDAY (MY OWN VERSION OF LITTLE LOFA KEKE) KASHAH 🙂

apapun keberhasilannya..di bidang apapun semoga bisa membela agama kita

semoga dipermudahkan segala urusan aminn.

byebye.

#0507

WRAPPING UP THE THIRD YEAR

Hi, everyone! It has been a while 😀

I am currently in my semester break phase and I am in holiday mode that means pardon me for all of the blue-ticked messages. I am enjoying my ‘me time’ so much like hello where is my phoneeeee hahahah. You guys too, put away your phone this holiday heheh. I mean yeah, as we all know we are in the busy month for us Muslim, so it is good to take a break from this hectic worldly life. Tone down our time with social media a bit 🙂

And, the major highlight of this blogpost is TADAAAAAAAA well-done dear self, WELLDONE! YOU’VE SURVIVED THE THIRD YEAR ENGINEERING SCHOOL. *pat myself* you have suffered a lot :’) Be prepared, a lot more to come in next semester. Cc : PSMII

You name it any emotional breakdowns, I have felt them all. But, I am grateful to able to finish this yeah third year of school. I don’t know why I feel like this semester has been a super emotional, tiring and an intense semester for me, that I doesn’t want to remember anything regarding this semester. That is how unexcited I am for this semester. But, I do love to pen out some achievements and events that happened during this semester in case I wanna do some throwbacks. #dramathisgirl

1. PSM-I IS DONEEE

If you have been following my blog, you guys must know that how much I rant about my final year project. (that basically shows that it is a precious task for me that’s y I whine a lot hehe) I am the first presenter and I am so nervous. The whole hours before my presentation are really nerve-wracking and I hate that vibe. But, I can’t control them either. Luckily, my supervisor was kind enough to check my SV-mates (moon, akmal and zul) and I slide presentations and we did the rehearsed presentation two days (Monday) before the actual presentation day (Wednesday).  Alhamdulillah, everything went well during the presentation day. The scary QnA session took almost 20 mins. What I really love that day is that I can answer all of the panel’s question and I am really satisfied. Alhamdulillah 🙂

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2.FINALLY, I PLAY CHESS AGAIN

My faculty held an event called FTKSPOC DAY. Even though I am not a sports person I do love and support sports events. So, when everything was in chaos back then, every sport manager desperately needs the player on their team, my friends and I promised to each other to join any sports. From marathon to indoor sports, we finally discussed to separately joined the sports event since the campaign wassatu pelajar satu sukan‘. I was sooo not into sports even though my physical appearance looks fine enough to be an athlete. Yeah, I agree but I am lacking in skills (untrained) so say no to sudden athlete profession hahaha. So, due to promise we made I decided to choose the long time no play sports, CHESS. Believe me that the first and last time I played chess was during standard sixth (primary school). Of course, there is no wayyy I can regain back the old strategies in one week. I went okay, let’s just play and have fun Anisss.  Alhamdulillah, even though we (team not individual game) didn’t win the game, we all learnt a lot. I have met new friends too. #introvertmeetsfriend The best part is hihi…I was half happy half shy to write them myself but it is okay this my blog anyway hehe, I was invited to be a part of SAF players that is a big deal for me. But, it isn’t official yet since next semester will be busiest days for us, final year student. So, let’s keep that between us first lol.

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3.SUMMARIZING THIS SEMESTER EVENTs

There where we all (my housemates and I) went to KL and Selangor for kenduri. Thinking that we don’t know when will have this opportunity again considering Perlis is quite far from KL and we already the third year student. But, I won’t post any photos here cause hihi they photos are everywhere. They posted it already so I kinda okay don’t post it, me myself get boring hahaha.

Birthday celebration. Okay that’s is common. Everyone celebrate birthday so no picture here haha. It was for March birthday celebration (Kak Niza, Sya and Ecah)

We also had a dinner at Mee Racun after a long time we didn’t go there (reminiscing our old memories of previous semester), the TOMYAM there is da BOMBB! #iloveyoualottomyam #plisnoticeme #ceh

Okay, introvert me joined Explorace Day at Main Campus like yeah I go out, socializing a bit too y’alls. #proudme I have uploaded the photo in my insta hahaha that’s basically before semester break and it was my last updated picture on my insta (because after semester break my life wasn’t normal back then :’))

I joined hmm I forget that but IID competition (UiTM) maybe (I can’t recall them: my brain basically isn’t working well since my last final exam paper) But the point is, the event was held at JOHOR which is my wishlist state ever since I was in the secondary school. Reaching Johor completed all states in Semenanjung I have been to. #blessed (need Sabah only to complete Malaysia’s map #cantwait )

During semester break I joined my high school reunion through an event named, Bakti Schiavona. BEST!

Joined XGTYH EXPLORACE DAY (again, i can’t recall what event it was #postfinalsyndrome) at main campus too. I don’t know why i am being like this, so unbelievable I joined this kind of program but luckily we managed to grab third place even though the hampers were basically had no difference in size and have almost the same snacks. #itisokaywelovefood

Lastly, will be the makan ramai-ramai event with my classmates. This is for replacing the tak jadi BBQ event. But, this time only half of my coursemates joined because it was during the end of the semester (financial-wise), final week (education-wise) on top of that it was last minuted plan so it is understandable (even though it seems empty and incomplete :’))

Okay, photo timeee.

Okay, TADAAAA.
byebye third year.

It is a looonggg semester!

Hi everyone! Today is the second day of Ramadhan. I am all energetic hihi (because the free wifi’s speed here is so unbelievably fast, i download all the dramas uhukkk)

It is almost the end of May tho. I somehow weirdly feel that this semester is like super longgg yet it is so fast that I can’t believe it is almost final week soon! Next week is the hectic and scary study week. #icryyy

Being in this super intense semester, I am glad that all of this will be over soon. It is not that I dislike them very much but the amount of work and the pressure is really big that I swear, I once cried over them. But, it is okay. Everything went smoothly. I had no idea how I survived them. I really don’t know how I survived the present-rejected phase for real this semester. Every subject in this semester somehow giving me a headache but luckily, the lecturers are all cool and considerate towards us that I am so thankful for that.

This week is like the hectic-iest(?) week throughout the semester to the point I skip most of my lunchtimes and even had improper dinners which are obviously not good because this girl is so worried and stressful. Luckily, I survived goshhh. I also have no social life and being all worked up throughout this week with the pile of works and tasks. I might look like I am ranting non-stop but hey, I wanna pen them down cause one day if I dare to give up, I should know better how hard-earned my degree wassss.  So, you Anis better step forward.

I don’t know how should I address this, I feel like yeah we already sent those assignments task, but I don’t know why do I still have the incomplete feelings like ughhh when can I distress myself? Seriously, I questioned myself a lot and I worried this would affect my study week. #prayforme

It is okay, I will eventually survive them no matter what right? Okay, I wanna watch some dramas now. Bye everyone.

Have a blessed Ramadhan!

The Good(s) in the Bad

Hi!

Oh, I know I come here way too often. Pardon me. Blame the stress, please. I get myself a treat to blog for a while, as a stress reliever (this is the most economical method) specifically dedicated to my mental health, myself. I have been in the love-hate relationship with literally everything; my PSM, assignments, food appetite and sleep cycle. I really respect those who have survived degree life. You guys are too superior!

Do you know what are the good things when we are productive? I realize that I have become more careless which is good. I basically don’t even care if something didn’t work the way it should be, as long as it works, it is fine for me then. I didn’t care if I did the work alone as long as it is finished, I am good then. Basically, the goal is to finish them all. I have no time to overthink if whether my thesis report will be rejected or not perfect enough (ofc), instead, I keep correcting, adding info(s) and double working on perfecting them. I mean look, this once an-overthinker, now have less worry and learn to give her best effort. Look at how much myself is improving. #icry The whole process that took my sleepless nights with me in tears made me somehow really wanna get this project to the next level. #itry

I have definitely sleep and eaten less which I don’t know these are a good or bad thing. I mean, well if I eat less, I am not sleepy and I can do work all day all night. #consistentme My work will finish on time. But, ofc it is not a  good habit. I don’t know why I am like this. #pleasedonttellibu I mean, the good is that I am no more craving for foods or drinks like cendol durian, laksa, bihun sup and etc. Now that I don’t even have time to crave over anything, I eat whatever. #mudah

I also feel indebtedness to all my family members when I can’t even utter a word over a phone call. My mom knows my silence phone call. My mom knows all the meanings of my ‘ibu, tirah nak balik boleh?’, my silent days without a phone call from me, that she knows it means that I’m having a super bad day that I didn’t want to share with anyone. Do a mom and the family members always be this perfect?

Oh, that it is.

How about yours? What is your good?

I will blog later, again to continue with my ranting about life.

TADAAA.

being me

Hiii!!

What everyone is doing right now? It is 2.18 am now?!! Why are you still staying up at this time? Football? I don’t know anything about football, I have zero idea who is who. I only know Blue for Chelsea and red for Arsenal. Am I even right? luls. Aaa..I know the top 5 ranking of football team clubs. (few of them maybe) Okay lah kan?…

How about the others? Are you scrolling your social media accounts before you go to sleep? No worries, I do that a lot too. #rapuh Or are you watching movies? Well, it is night weekend anyway! Who can resist the temptation of relaxing night right? Or..it is just me thinking that way hehehe..

Me? What I am doing? Yah, well. As you can see, I am blogging. Hopelessly…with my big cup of tiramisu cappuccino drink. Watching KDrama? No lah. I have no time to watch them sobsob. I don’t even feel like to watch them because honestly, I get no time to watch them. It is okay, I can always watch them in my next semester break. #macamtakbiasa

Actually, tonight I am planning to finish some of my works. There are tons of them. I seriously don’t know which one should I do first and I just come to this…blogging guys. #pheww This is my stress-reliever activity so pardon me with my endless rants hehehe. Okay, let’s pray that I really work on my works after this. #notevenafinalyearstudent #thevibeisreal

Okay, let me update some of my schedules for next week.

  • robotic screw 3D drawing (not even know what type of screw a car rim use #notyourengineer) by Monday
  • meeting with supervisor (about PSM slides) before Thursday
  • must check and correct C1-C3 PSM report (format, grammar, content and it is good to adding more infos)  before Thursday
  • Pneumatic online test
  • Actuator test (should do my best)
  • Robotic class replacement on Friday is not yet confirm (tak payah ganti boleh tak hmm. okay okay kita harus ganti )
  • EPC slides
  • EPC presentation (please do my best! there’s no one that can help me other than myself. practice and be well prepare!)
  • chess training for FTK SPOC (i am so unprepared for this i am sorry but still will try my best)
  • TENANGGGGG ANIS TENANGGGGGGG

Hihihiiiii. I hope it is clear why I am being so cold and zombie look alike these remaining weeks. 😀

Oh, this semester I have edited 2 videos in only less than one week and what I can really say is that I love videography. If and only if I have a better camera I could pass to be a vlogger! eh..hehehe. No, this is too much right hehe. I mean, yeah let me do all the edit things cause I freaking love it. I even get acknowledgment from my Chinese groupmates! I show the videos to my sister through a video call and can you guess what is her reaction?

She is reactionless.

YES. She is. Hahaha. I said this to her,

apa lah macam tak best je. tak best ke sha?

tak…sebab aku tak nampak, tersekat-sekat.

(phewwww, nasib baik tersekat bukan tak best lol)

since it is education oriented videos, so I don’t think it is a good idea to share them here. Oh, I wanna explore video editing learning more hehe. Do you good at video editing too? #sharewithme

Note to self,

you gotta do this for you. not for anybody else. you got no second chance. you only have two semesters left for your degree. take some pain, and be happy for the rest of your life. your struggle is yours. live your dream, anis.

bye bye.

BEING A THIRD YEAR ENGINEERING STUDENT

‘you cannot afford to waste time.’ – Anis Atthirrah, 2017 UTeM’s undergraduate.

Hi everyone!

As much as everyone is getting busier, so do I. I had never know a degree student will have at least this much pressure. You got one group assignment and you barely had few days to make it into a final quality video. On top of that, you got about another 4 assignments that had overlap deadline and ofc you have a problem with your energy level. (someone’s body sugar level is so lowww) And this routine, bitter truth it is on repeat every day, week, up to the whole semester, and it gets crazier once we are so close to the final year. Being a student, having these big responsibilities, I mean despite business we have, we still have to watch our work quality, attend classes, quizzes, tests, tutorials, reports, and also the on-going psm project (the one I want it to succeed so bad), without neglecting our social life part too :’) We still need to have time for our friends and ofc with our main tulang belakang, our family members. How much time we spent with them, is incomparable with what education has to offer us. Right?

But, being a good student doesn’t teach us to blatantly give excuses when time gets tough. “I can’t do this.” “I can’t finish that.” “Hey, look I am super busy. Please understand me.” and so the unnecessary words go on. I myself don’t even know why sometimes it is so frustrating when some people really take things for granted. I know sometimes, we are as a human, get physically and mentally exhausted too and when it gets worse, we become extra sensitive over the smallest things.

I admit that we are all like that, sometimes. I sometimes got extra disappointed when I thought I had done my very best and when I just asked people for come for a meeting, the waiting game is real and I am so speechless. I am in a wrong mindset too, never listen to their stories. Ofc, people has their own reasons and I understand that. My point is, we got too tired that our heart is so fragile that it could break anytime soon over one smallest mistake that makes people misunderstanding each other. It just could be easier.

We always think that we are the only one who did this and did that and thought why people being so mean towards us. People just can’t understand us and just being hard enough on us. We think we are the victim but we are not. Some people just had it way harder than us. Just because they always show up for every occasion, look energetic and bright all the time, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the spot of being tired like we are. Just only because they are all silent. Just only because they don’t show you people how much works were done by them to make the other people’s work much easier. The silent sleepless nights are all to us are nothing just because we didn’t know. Let’s from now on, think of others’ shoes too.

People might disagree with me on this one, stay up till very late at night or doesn’t sleep at all and didn’t show up for tomorrow morning classes. As a student who comes to every single class despite those true excuses (some reasons are acceptable regardless), when the lecturer asks us ‘where are your friends, do they OTW to class?’, I really feel sad somehow. It is not about you are a good student if you come to every class, NO. It is NOT like that. It is about ‘respect’ or manner. You always can give any excuses you want (unpreferable) but please inform the lecturers. They do not get paid for waiting for us.

Being productive these days, it makes me happier. I felt energetic even though physically, I look old enough (because of my tired face) and heartless human being on the earth with those dark circles, I enjoy my degree days. I learn a lot. 😀

I hope everyone is having good days ahead and achieve whatever goals we dream.

Till then, all the best everyone.

#imgoingtoworkonmypsm #prayforme