Dark Confession

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It has been an exhausting and a tiring month for me. I have been on roll doing my final year project and the stress is getting on my nerve, I almost give up. Actually, I do give up. I slept for days and get back on track. The cycle rotates. I hate the fact that I can’t fix some coding. It makes me question my entire life why do I have to do this. I am barely surviving degree. The coding world doesn’t seem right for me hul. I am being super sensitive lately and I don’t like it too. This is a long list confession of mine. Think whatever you want because they are just merely my opinion.

  1. Expectation kills. Big dreams kill you.
  2. Some other people just really think, a backup plan does really exist? Sorry, sure it is not me your backup plan. This type of people is really hopeless. They must really think life is easy? If you want something, work hard for it.
  3. Some people really like to compare themselves with others. If we are going to live like this, please don’t ask others later on, why there is so much emptiness, so much sadness.
  4. Stop making excuses for yourselves. You can’t grow up like that. You just don’t grow up. at all.
  5. Stop making things so forced.
  6. There are people, listing 1001 reasons on why others can make it, instead of why they themselves can make it. Stop it. If they can, why can’t you?
  7. Everyone has their own silent battle, a chapter that they don’t say it loud. Respect that.
  8. If you want to help people, just help them. Why are you helping when all you do is bragging later on? Why people why?
  9. Don’t underestimate the others and don’t overestimate yourselves. Be modest.
  10. Some people really don’t get it, and the other some people just can’t get (over) it.
  11. You do whatever it is within your capabilities, for you own satisfaction. So, it is (will be) the reason why you should hold it on. Not because of others are doing it. Not because of it is the trend. You know yourselves better, why lie?
  12. Sure everyone has their own eyes and mouth. They see and they talk too. Keep everything that is bad to yourselves. Sure everyone can see it themselves. So stop badmouthing other people. Stop running around unfounded rumors. Do you really have that much time? to do such things, guys?
  13. So many us, wanting a good life. A good partner. A good result. Ask our own self, honestly are we deserving enough? We can’t portray a good life, with us running around and joking about others’ flaws. We can’t have a good partner if we ourselves don’t have any effort on becoming a better person. Let’s think and do something about it.
  14. Stop making the unfounded assumption.
  15. Stop play victim? We need to accept and start checking on ourselves if things/people always go against us. I mean, there must be a reason. It might be something is wrong with us! Not them.
  16. Be yourself.
  17. Of course, the good character that matters the most, the others will just be faded in time. Choose your future.

 

Depression is real. Bye.

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The Good(s) in the Bad

Hi!

Oh, I know I come here way too often. Pardon me. Blame the stress, please. I get myself a treat to blog for a while, as a stress reliever (this is the most economical method) specifically dedicated to my mental health, myself. I have been in the love-hate relationship with literally everything; my PSM, assignments, food appetite and sleep cycle. I really respect those who have survived degree life. You guys are too superior!

Do you know what are the good things when we are productive? I realize that I have become more careless which is good. I basically don’t even care if something didn’t work the way it should be, as long as it works, it is fine for me then. I didn’t care if I did the work alone as long as it is finished, I am good then. Basically, the goal is to finish them all. I have no time to overthink if whether my thesis report will be rejected or not perfect enough (ofc), instead, I keep correcting, adding info(s) and double working on perfecting them. I mean look, this once an-overthinker, now have less worry and learn to give her best effort. Look at how much myself is improving. #icry The whole process that took my sleepless nights with me in tears made me somehow really wanna get this project to the next level. #itry

I have definitely sleep and eaten less which I don’t know these are a good or bad thing. I mean, well if I eat less, I am not sleepy and I can do work all day all night. #consistentme My work will finish on time. But, ofc it is not a  good habit. I don’t know why I am like this. #pleasedonttellibu I mean, the good is that I am no more craving for foods or drinks like cendol durian, laksa, bihun sup and etc. Now that I don’t even have time to crave over anything, I eat whatever. #mudah

I also feel indebtedness to all my family members when I can’t even utter a word over a phone call. My mom knows my silence phone call. My mom knows all the meanings of my ‘ibu, tirah nak balik boleh?’, my silent days without a phone call from me, that she knows it means that I’m having a super bad day that I didn’t want to share with anyone. Do a mom and the family members always be this perfect?

Oh, that it is.

How about yours? What is your good?

I will blog later, again to continue with my ranting about life.

TADAAA.

being me

Hiii!!

What everyone is doing right now? It is 2.18 am now?!! Why are you still staying up at this time? Football? I don’t know anything about football, I have zero idea who is who. I only know Blue for Chelsea and red for Arsenal. Am I even right? luls. Aaa..I know the top 5 ranking of football team clubs. (few of them maybe) Okay lah kan?…

How about the others? Are you scrolling your social media accounts before you go to sleep? No worries, I do that a lot too. #rapuh Or are you watching movies? Well, it is night weekend anyway! Who can resist the temptation of relaxing night right? Or..it is just me thinking that way hehehe..

Me? What I am doing? Yah, well. As you can see, I am blogging. Hopelessly…with my big cup of tiramisu cappuccino drink. Watching KDrama? No lah. I have no time to watch them sobsob. I don’t even feel like to watch them because honestly, I get no time to watch them. It is okay, I can always watch them in my next semester break. #macamtakbiasa

Actually, tonight I am planning to finish some of my works. There are tons of them. I seriously don’t know which one should I do first and I just come to this…blogging guys. #pheww This is my stress-reliever activity so pardon me with my endless rants hehehe. Okay, let’s pray that I really work on my works after this. #notevenafinalyearstudent #thevibeisreal

Okay, let me update some of my schedules for next week.

  • robotic screw 3D drawing (not even know what type of screw a car rim use #notyourengineer) by Monday
  • meeting with supervisor (about PSM slides) before Thursday
  • must check and correct C1-C3 PSM report (format, grammar, content and it is good to adding more infos)  before Thursday
  • Pneumatic online test
  • Actuator test (should do my best)
  • Robotic class replacement on Friday is not yet confirm (tak payah ganti boleh tak hmm. okay okay kita harus ganti )
  • EPC slides
  • EPC presentation (please do my best! there’s no one that can help me other than myself. practice and be well prepare!)
  • chess training for FTK SPOC (i am so unprepared for this i am sorry but still will try my best)
  • TENANGGGGG ANIS TENANGGGGGGG

Hihihiiiii. I hope it is clear why I am being so cold and zombie look alike these remaining weeks. 😀

Oh, this semester I have edited 2 videos in only less than one week and what I can really say is that I love videography. If and only if I have a better camera I could pass to be a vlogger! eh..hehehe. No, this is too much right hehe. I mean, yeah let me do all the edit things cause I freaking love it. I even get acknowledgment from my Chinese groupmates! I show the videos to my sister through a video call and can you guess what is her reaction?

She is reactionless.

YES. She is. Hahaha. I said this to her,

apa lah macam tak best je. tak best ke sha?

tak…sebab aku tak nampak, tersekat-sekat.

(phewwww, nasib baik tersekat bukan tak best lol)

since it is education oriented videos, so I don’t think it is a good idea to share them here. Oh, I wanna explore video editing learning more hehe. Do you good at video editing too? #sharewithme

Note to self,

you gotta do this for you. not for anybody else. you got no second chance. you only have two semesters left for your degree. take some pain, and be happy for the rest of your life. your struggle is yours. live your dream, anis.

bye bye.

BEING A THIRD YEAR ENGINEERING STUDENT

‘you cannot afford to waste time.’ – Anis Atthirrah, 2017 UTeM’s undergraduate.

Hi everyone!

As much as everyone is getting busier, so do I. I had never know a degree student will have at least this much pressure. You got one group assignment and you barely had few days to make it into a final quality video. On top of that, you got about another 4 assignments that had overlap deadline and ofc you have a problem with your energy level. (someone’s body sugar level is so lowww) And this routine, bitter truth it is on repeat every day, week, up to the whole semester, and it gets crazier once we are so close to the final year. Being a student, having these big responsibilities, I mean despite business we have, we still have to watch our work quality, attend classes, quizzes, tests, tutorials, reports, and also the on-going psm project (the one I want it to succeed so bad), without neglecting our social life part too :’) We still need to have time for our friends and ofc with our main tulang belakang, our family members. How much time we spent with them, is incomparable with what education has to offer us. Right?

But, being a good student doesn’t teach us to blatantly give excuses when time gets tough. “I can’t do this.” “I can’t finish that.” “Hey, look I am super busy. Please understand me.” and so the unnecessary words go on. I myself don’t even know why sometimes it is so frustrating when some people really take things for granted. I know sometimes, we are as a human, get physically and mentally exhausted too and when it gets worse, we become extra sensitive over the smallest things.

I admit that we are all like that, sometimes. I sometimes got extra disappointed when I thought I had done my very best and when I just asked people for come for a meeting, the waiting game is real and I am so speechless. I am in a wrong mindset too, never listen to their stories. Ofc, people has their own reasons and I understand that. My point is, we got too tired that our heart is so fragile that it could break anytime soon over one smallest mistake that makes people misunderstanding each other. It just could be easier.

We always think that we are the only one who did this and did that and thought why people being so mean towards us. People just can’t understand us and just being hard enough on us. We think we are the victim but we are not. Some people just had it way harder than us. Just because they always show up for every occasion, look energetic and bright all the time, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the spot of being tired like we are. Just only because they are all silent. Just only because they don’t show you people how much works were done by them to make the other people’s work much easier. The silent sleepless nights are all to us are nothing just because we didn’t know. Let’s from now on, think of others’ shoes too.

People might disagree with me on this one, stay up till very late at night or doesn’t sleep at all and didn’t show up for tomorrow morning classes. As a student who comes to every single class despite those true excuses (some reasons are acceptable regardless), when the lecturer asks us ‘where are your friends, do they OTW to class?’, I really feel sad somehow. It is not about you are a good student if you come to every class, NO. It is NOT like that. It is about ‘respect’ or manner. You always can give any excuses you want (unpreferable) but please inform the lecturers. They do not get paid for waiting for us.

Being productive these days, it makes me happier. I felt energetic even though physically, I look old enough (because of my tired face) and heartless human being on the earth with those dark circles, I enjoy my degree days. I learn a lot. 😀

I hope everyone is having good days ahead and achieve whatever goals we dream.

Till then, all the best everyone.

#imgoingtoworkonmypsm #prayforme

Dean List Award

Assalammualaikum and hi everyone! Happy weekenddddddd! (okay tomorrow is Monday again. Why don’t we have Sunday(s) per weekend? #ridiculous)

Today’s blogpost title is so ambitious and over-exaggerate, right? As cheesy as it might sound to some other people, this blogpost is a long time draft that i have been thinking about whether or not should i posting it. And it seems like i can’t really giving up on my blogging nature. So, i am writing this. But, it is not about grade or academic related, i am writing this to share or to be precise, to express what do i see behind these DL award.

Oh, i am not a 4.0 students (maybe not yet hihi) nor do i am every semester dean list student. No. So, i have been in both phase; not and a DL student throughout 5 semesters degree student. What do i say?

In my opinion, i have always hoped that i can get a good result in every semester with the pointer (GPA) as my guide reference. Does it make sense? 3.5 and above mark it as it is a good semester. Below than that means I still in average and lacking both skills and theoretical knowledge. Does it really make sense?

It is really upon to personal preferences. Some people think exam and grades are so important. Having strong fundamental theory is the key and the most important factor. Without basic knowledge, how do we gonna learning skills and etc.

Some people just couldn’t care less about grades and exam stuff. They are more into skills which are quite good. Who even ask your grade when you can’t even name the most basic components in real life. Do you get me?

What do I wanna write here is that, stop with the mentality of pointer (GPA) students or skill students. Siapa pandai siapa tak pandai? No one ever likes for being put a fancy label or being downgraded. No one like it.

In my humble opinion, both are important. Skills and good grades. If i had to choose, i will just leave them at they are and just choose focus on learning. This is the real turning point. As for me, achieving dekan or whatsoever is more to self-achievement. Something you do for your own favour and not to impress or please someone else. It is more like you making yourself happier and feel happy inside. And you won’t be feeling depressed when you couldn’t achieve it because your goal is to learn.

The most important part being a dean list student (as for me), is not feeling you are better than anyone else and look down on another person. You are boasting around your GPA is okay that is yours to do so anyway, but to think anyone else is no better than you is a big NO. You are starting to have your own comfort zone is the dangerous weapon too. You are thinking you can do it the way you do it without the aim or goal to improve is for me, such a waste. You are starting to feel that, I’m in okay position I have always been in dean list in every semester, of course, i should have no or fewer worries. No. Fix that kind of mentality. I am reminding myself so hard that every time i have a lab session, i need to love this. i need to love this. girl you need to love this. so, later i am no more in awkward position, learning engineering but having zero skill. How come?

You are getting good grades are all 100% your efforts? Good grades are all thanks to your own intelligent genetics and your great skills, are to me (sorry to say this) is wrong(?). At least for me, i have a feeling that i am nowhere near achieving good result without the help of lecturers and also, the most unmentioned important people who help us a lot other than lecturers, are PJ (penolong jurutera). I have always thankful for them, teaching us from equipment and tools on how to pasang and buka them without an ounce of arrogant or any action to belittle us, since you know girls esp. are quite slow in tools, circuits and everything. I remembered there were days when we actually don’t understand the lab sessions, we don’t even know how and who can help us, the PJs came and patiently taught us along with useful tips. Not even once or twice but always. Being remembered on how lacking i am on every beginning of the semester, and till the day i am done with lab test which means i have the better understanding about labs and all, were all regards to them too (although i never express how much grateful i am). Never forget who help you.

GPA is not a measure of someone’s intelligence but more to one’s efforts. No? The top scorer in pop quiz and good in hands-on pbl projects are always from people not in DL or good scorer but the not DL one. But, of course, some of the good grades students are really excellent in the hands-on project too. Much respect for them.

Embrace whatever we have for now and be humble for it. Stay grounded.

I am hoping that everyone’s dream and goals are turning into reality soon. Work hard and never get distracted on your way to your goal. It may take time. It does. But it is not impossible. As long as you stay true to your goal, having a clear intention and vision, we all can achieve something. We all can learn something. Isn’t life itself is learning?

Oh, i am thankful for DL award when i am this lacking. ALHAMDULILLAH. I hope we all can make it this semester and we learn as much as we can.

All thanks for,

Allah who granted everyone’s doa and giving me this happy moment when i am this underserved.

Parents and family members that support me when i am this fragile and always giving me inspiration. All the doas that makes everything turns out so smooth that even i cant believe i faced those hard times.

Lecturers and PJs who patiently taught us again, again and again. THANK YOU. :’)

Friends that are always together through the ups and downs, happy and sad moments, with this journey that almost into three years period. How time flies?

CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE. WE ARE THE BEST ON OUR OWN TALENT. WE HAVE TO GO UP! #BETRGRINDANDHUSTLE

Congratulation to our superwoman TANYILIN on your 4flat achievement. #awesome #coolcoolcool

Okay. Bye.

Little Two

Hi? Long time no see? HAHAHAA.

I’m sorry for the no-update phase. I guess I am in a phase that I want to tell you guys a lot but betul lah manusia hanya mampu merancang…fufufu. Oh, thank you for catching up with my endless rant and I am super happy because lately, I got a lot of notifications, marking my traffic is blooming. ***:D I’m half happy, half-questioned-myself scrolling back my old blog posts mannnnnn. Should write worthy read blog posts tho hahaha***THANKYOU GUYS 😀

Okay, so today (read: weekend) I’m not going anywhere. I miss ME TIME so muchhhh because I was so busy past these few weeks. I got no time you know to socialise, blog walking, self-talking, writing weekly planner or even have a heart-to-heart time with my roommate (Sya). Busy-ness(?) is good and gold (I do enjoy busy days, they’re gold) but I really need a day or two break time to stabilize myself back and regain back my energy level pheww. And now, bless you weekend! I am happy (to-be)  22 yo child.

I don’t know about others, but I certainly confident that weekend is CALL TIME right? I usually call my mum and talk (for hours) telling every little things, from my what-i-ate till my current-psm-progress (she is like my co-supervisor hehe so supportive throughout the whole thing i’m truly blessed!), talking with my sisters (we basically just fought with each others no sweet time pun HAHAHA but still it is the best way to care bout each other like come on we grew up in that weird and caring way fufufuuu), and talked about ayah, tok tokwan and adik(Sufi) dan abang(Solehin).

If you have followed me in twitter, you did knew on my over-worried(?) nature towards them. Adik is a standard 4 student but I still can’t think he is, we (all of us in the family) think that he still a 9 yo boy. He for sure didn’t like it but I still can’t deny that he’s really like a cute 9 yo boy. Maybe because he is the youngest one or because that someone in my family treat him like he is 9yo boy hahahaha (you know who you are because I am certain she is reading this hahahaha k k). Abang is quite mysterious and quite type personality. Totally opposite from bubbly Adik. Adik talks non-stop so it is easy for us to tackle him and korek any rahsia and problems he got in school. And usually he is the one telling the secret between them two. #cantreallytrusthimhahaha As cute he is, Abang differ in which he has that cold vibe from him. He is very expressionless, heartless and unapproachable. I don’t know whether this is remaja phase atau mencari identiti phase atau whtv phase it is, but it seems that he is naturally that way. It is okay to have that cold side of him, (i love cool person!) but for us, as family members, I find it is really difficult to korek any problems he got in his new school. Oh, he is Form1 student at my previous high school. I really love my high school days so I wanted him to do well there since I really find that it might be the best place for him to improve himself(?).

I am really aware and we (family members) already concluded that, it is no matter where he is, it is upon himself to find the good in every places. Basically, we agreed to that and my heart is at ease because during my high school days, the environment was super helping and inspiring, seniors were all kind and solehah. I JUST ADMIRE THEM ALL

Soleh is good in the way he will make us feeling like ‘don’t worry I’m okay here.’ He is so abang-abang like. Solving this and that on his own, and only call or tell us when he has no more option or literally incapable of handling things anymore. He is a very inexpressive person (like who?). There is one day that parents and family should come to meet their form’s teachers. He didn’t say and even show an ounce care if I attend it or not. I plan to go with my mum at first and cancelled it later because I’d think to stay at home. When he came home later, he asked me,

‘cakap nak pergi. kenapa tak pergi acik?’ I see his face with a little bit expression of kecewa(?). MANNNN.

I was soooo surprised. I felt soooooo bersalah. I thought that he betul tak kisah but hmm see, you need to cakaplah abang. Your sister is sometimes hmm quite nonsensical too you know. So I  was feeling so bersalah even up till now.

Adik and Abang both are their representatives of their school tilawah. I was so amazed because they really make us proud at such young age and in the field that even I find it is quite tough, to get in such opportunity. You go boys!

Sufi is already participated in the competition and got third place. We are so proud not because the place he got, but the lesson behind it. The hard work value through the learning process. Solehin is in training and learning process at school now. I hope he can do well and learn as much as he can and put aside the win-lose target.

I hope both of them are always on the track, always learning and find it is in a fun way. They inspired me as a muslim itself that learning is a continuous process regardless how old are us. It makes me questioned myself and makes me want to improve my bacaan too. They are so good and so knowledgeable that I feel so precious having them. Lets working on self-improving too!

All the best Solehin for your upcoming exams.


Congrats adik Sufii!

Congrats abang, second place is ahmazingggg.

During my high school days, I was so anticipated to see Sytra’s representatives to get any top 3 in Tilawah and Hafazan especially, other than quiz and syarahan. It was so hard  to make it in top 3 because the winner will always from sekolah agama’s participants because yeah, we all know how good and deserving them are. But nowadays, Sytra is also can! I hope these will be their first milestone to do even better in the future.

Congrats on proving us(school) capable in everything. #PROUDALUMNI

And good luck dear self, for your psm hee.

BYEBYE.

Different.

It past midnight now, and I am seriously overthinking lately.

I think I am being hard towards myself and start asking myself what should I do with myself? I really hate blogging this kind of stuff but I somehow feel soooooooo (how do I put myself in words?) disappointed in me. I deeply mean, I feel so terrible.

I hate myself for being so anxious like this.

‘Am I being too hard on them?’

‘I should be less heartless, I should give in sometimes.’

These sometimes, being a routine. Eventually, becoming a habit of mine that destructively poisoned me inside.

‘It’s okay.’

‘If you are in minority, follow the majority. You’ll be safe that way.’

‘If something happened, closed your mouth and so your eyes. Nothing ever happen right?’

‘You have to follow and be okay for this and that kind of stuff, so you’ll be more likeable and have many friends.’

Comments on me:

‘You are unapproachable. I don’t like you.’

‘You are so cold hearted!’

‘Sombonggg..’

…..

OH MANNNN.

If and only if people really know why do some people never being too nice with the others, why do some people never let themselves have the gut to be as open or easy going as they actually can be, people would be so surprised at how actually they can do them well. The unfair stigma towards them is so unjust because I whose are a part of them, can really see the bad(s) and danger(s) both in me and people surround me when I act like that.

Outspoken. Too honest. Too firm. MANNNNNNNN!??!??

Oh, I hope I do stay that way. ( It is so selfish of me to stay so true to myself?) No, I’m not being stubborn. I do see my own lacking(s) . But, to say the truth straightforwardly and really at peace later is just good, rather than take a safe route saying good and talk back later. I just can’t take that so-called-safe-route. Why living yourself like that? It feels so trapped. Don’t you?

Silent on something need to be defended is not so me. I can’t brain this too.

Oh, toxic please go away.

I got lost in the deep sea of toxic.

Anyone who is feeling terrible like I am, here are the words from MindPlatter that i think can comfort us a lot. (Ig @najwazebian)

Don’t give them a taste of their own medicine. They already know what it tastes like, so give them the taste of your own medicine.

If they lied, let your medicine be honesty. If they played with your emotions, let your medicine be maturity. If they broke you, let your medicine heals… If they made you cry, let your medicine make them smile.

These remedies of yours may take years to work, but they work. And they last. So be patient. Stay true to yourself. And remember this; it is better for people to value you for who you are not for who you pretend to be. Who you are, lasts a lifetime. Who you are pretend to be, changes like the change in seasons.

Oh regardless, they are people who warmly accept me the way I am. ( no guys, i’m not being dipulaukan or whatsoever hehe. It just that my thoughts and me he.)

Disclaimer: It has nothing to do with anyone. Just me and my midnight thoughts. No offend.

BYE.

#nomoreemotionalblogpost

#nomoreemotionalblogpost

#nomoreemotionalblogpost

REAL BYE.