Dark Confession

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It has been an exhausting and a tiring month for me. I have been on roll doing my final year project and the stress is getting on my nerve, I almost give up. Actually, I do give up. I slept for days and get back on track. The cycle rotates. I hate the fact that I can’t fix some coding. It makes me question my entire life why do I have to do this. I am barely surviving degree. The coding world doesn’t seem right for me hul. I am being super sensitive lately and I don’t like it too. This is a long list confession of mine. Think whatever you want because they are just merely my opinion.

  1. Expectation kills. Big dreams kill you.
  2. Some other people just really think, a backup plan does really exist? Sorry, sure it is not me your backup plan. This type of people is really hopeless. They must really think life is easy? If you want something, work hard for it.
  3. Some people really like to compare themselves with others. If we are going to live like this, please don’t ask others later on, why there is so much emptiness, so much sadness.
  4. Stop making excuses for yourselves. You can’t grow up like that. You just don’t grow up. at all.
  5. Stop making things so forced.
  6. There are people, listing 1001 reasons on why others can make it, instead of why they themselves can make it. Stop it. If they can, why can’t you?
  7. Everyone has their own silent battle, a chapter that they don’t say it loud. Respect that.
  8. If you want to help people, just help them. Why are you helping when all you do is bragging later on? Why people why?
  9. Don’t underestimate the others and don’t overestimate yourselves. Be modest.
  10. Some people really don’t get it, and the other some people just can’t get (over) it.
  11. You do whatever it is within your capabilities, for you own satisfaction. So, it is (will be) the reason why you should hold it on. Not because of others are doing it. Not because of it is the trend. You know yourselves better, why lie?
  12. Sure everyone has their own eyes and mouth. They see and they talk too. Keep everything that is bad to yourselves. Sure everyone can see it themselves. So stop badmouthing other people. Stop running around unfounded rumors. Do you really have that much time? to do such things, guys?
  13. So many us, wanting a good life. A good partner. A good result. Ask our own self, honestly are we deserving enough? We can’t portray a good life, with us running around and joking about others’ flaws. We can’t have a good partner if we ourselves don’t have any effort on becoming a better person. Let’s think and do something about it.
  14. Stop making the unfounded assumption.
  15. Stop play victim? We need to accept and start checking on ourselves if things/people always go against us. I mean, there must be a reason. It might be something is wrong with us! Not them.
  16. Be yourself.
  17. Of course, the good character that matters the most, the others will just be faded in time. Choose your future.

 

Depression is real. Bye.

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705 : A letter for you

It is 5th of July today. I’m sure you have inspired a lot of people out there throughout 23 years of your life. It gonna be a big lie if I say only myself did think so because having my life always so close to you, I swear I only gossiped and heard good kinds of stuff about you. (how possible this is actually?)

I don’t know if every younger sister out there also feel the same way towards their older sister like I do towards you, but I find myself adoring you since my childhood days. Back then, I always said to myself

“I should study hard, I want to be cool like Angah too” 

“I want to get straight As..”

“I wanna be a foundation student too…”

Little did she know, that every single thing she did become my goal and I kept on wanting whatever her achievements were, as the goal not knowing what I myself truly want. Just how much she means to childhood days of mine that I idolized herself a lot.

She was an inspiration.

Growing up together from the first day of school (preschooler) until the primary school days were all about her I told you. I was so surprised when the first time I experienced this: she taught the other preschoolers and I (I was 5 and she was 6 yo) that ABCDEFG… with a rotan guys at the front of the class with white board things. She was so determined and her voice was so clear I told you that I couldn’t believe she is my sister. I mean, she is my tarik-rambut and WWE partner, guys. After that, I knew that she would be the only one to replace Cikgu Shima when Cikgu Shima went out for a while. The surprise feeling became no more surprise, little me went all ‘AAAAAA, BBBBBB, CCCCCC’ all loud at the back of the class and went around boasting, hey…look at yah you know that’s my sister over thousandth time every time she was teaching. So annoying plus so extra me, I told you. The other some day, I went all silent, I was playing a doll and she was teaching at the front. So opposite of us. I knew she didn’t notice me cause if I let she found out, I’d literally…..

She was always the most stand out person in whatever she did. She was the face, center, leader, voice and even a state’s conductor for Perlis choir’s team. Meanwhile, I always went WOW that’s my sister all the time. I also joined whatever she joined because of how curious I was and ofc I knew that every spot she has been chosen as wasn’t an easy task at all. How can she be my biological sister? (read: grateful sister here)

She is an inspiration.

She came to Malacca, visiting me when she was UM’s undergraduate. She met my friends. She slept on my hostel just to feed her curiosity on how’s my life there. I don’ told her this but deep inside my heart, I knew she worried a lot. She was so friendly with my friends, they even liked her more than they liked me. (rakan-rakan ku is sooo tak bersyukur LOL) She came about 2 days (weekend) but it seems my friends were all praising her. Even until now, they keep asked her news. Not that I’m jealous or what, but I knew this would happen. Wherever she goes, people just like her. She is everyone fav!

Today, she already in somewhere, will be experiencing new things, she is the first to work among us three! I was so excited that only my roommate in Malacca knew how much I  want her to pass that scary interview phase. Alhamdulillah, I hope she copes well there! I know she will but still..I am wishing her the best, ANGAH.

I hope you have the happiest birthday ever. I hope you know that I’m very thankful and sorry for everything. I am writing this not because of your birthday. I am writing this, hoping that if you read this when you are so upset or down one day, (I know you won’t tell us till it is solved), know that almost everyone I grew up with, who know you, never once talk bad about you, how they wanna become like you as much as I do, I mean how great you have been and always be the great version of you. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t let anyone make you forget how far you have come and how precious you are to us!

 I found this word somewhere on FB. I really like this quote that somehow reminds me of you:

You cannot blend in when you are born to stand out!

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HAPPY 23th BIRTHDAY (MY OWN VERSION OF LITTLE LOFA KEKE) KASHAH 🙂

apapun keberhasilannya..di bidang apapun semoga bisa membela agama kita

semoga dipermudahkan segala urusan aminn.

byebye.

#0507